The Right Person Yet

Loneliness.

Not to be confused with aloneness.

One can be alone but not feel lonely. Just as one can not be alone, and feel lonely. Loneliness comes from feeling disconnected, and as a result - longing for connection. Feeling disconnected can also be a good thing. Sometimes we need to remove ourselves from our connections in order to regroup or recharge.

But loneliness comes when we are ready for connection, and none can be found.

For we all need connection. It is part of being human. We have well developed emotional states that require a nurturing reminder that we are not facing life all on our own. How much connection each person requires will vary. Some of us need more of an intimate and ongoing connection. And some of us will require only a basic and infrequent connection. Whatever kind you require, we all require some sort of connection.

And when we don’t get it, we feel lonely.

It is okay to feel lonely. It is a natural state. It is not an easy state. But it is there for a reason. The feeling of loneliness comes from our set of basic survival instincts. These are built-in systems of reminders for us to pursue the things we need in order to survive. When we need water, we get thirsty. When we need food, we get hungry. And when we need connection, we get lonely. But in terms of survival, why do we need connection?

It stems from us standing a better chance of surviving if we are gathered in groups.

A group can defend itself against a threat better. There is safety in numbers. A group can find and create the resources required for survival better. A group can bring enjoyment and engagement to those within it. For if we are alone all the time, we tend to withdraw into ourselves. We can get lost inside our thoughts and feelings. And this can make us feel apathetic. Disconnected. Out of touch with our strengths and potential. While being in a group can help us feel more purpose. More reward for our efforts, if our efforts are serving the greater good of the group.

We can share stories. Humour. Affection and warmth. Gestures of kindness. Giving. We can practice and develop skills that enlighten and inspire us. Our thinking and perspective can widen and grow. We can learn empathy for others. We can learn deeper truths about ourselves, when we see and hear how we appear to and affect others. We can learn how to overcome conflicts so that we can become more functional within the group.

We can learn how to love, which is always our greatest strength.

I have always believed in the power of love. Love has always been my purpose. In my heart, I feel much love and affection, for most people, places and things in my life. And in my life, I have learned how to love my life and all that is a part of it, better. I have been hurt. And like everyone else, each time I get hurt, I learn a little more about myself and the world in which I live.

I learn what to do, and what not to do, and why.

Sometimes it takes repeating these lessons before they sink in. But life is like that. It prepares you for the next level of life and will make you repeat the lessons you need for it, before taking you there. Now if only our public education system was like that! It used to be. But maybe that’s a topic for another entry at a later time.

I believe that life loves us. It gives to us and we take from it. But it doesn’t owe us anything. Rather, we must give it our trust and energy, in order to get anything back from it. It is a relationship. And like any relationship, it requires tending to each and every day. It needs light and warmth. It needs love. Affection. It needs to be appreciated and felt grateful for.

It needs to be held close to our hearts.

This is the kind of love that I feel will prevail and persevere in life. It is the kind of love I have always wanted to find in my own life. And while I have succeeded in loving my life in these ways, I have always felt unable to find that kind of love in another person where I could share this kind of life with.

And this inability has left me feeling lonely.

It has left me longing for a partnership where my person and I stand side by side, in love and in life, against all of life’s challenges. Just the two of us, spending our lives supporting each other’s own life and pursuits and growth, in honest friendship and deeply intimate relationship, with passion and compassion for one another. To have someone to come home to. To find comfort and understanding in each other. To share the bills, the meals, the chores and responsibilities. To make the load lighter, and to make a happy healthy life together. 

I am not sure if I am alone in this, or just lonely in this. For in my heart I believe in love and honesty and sharing and unity between two people. It is what I bring to the table. We all have things to offer. And while I truly love myself and my life, I find myself lacking someone to share my bounty with. At least, someone who is able and willing to share a similar bounty with me. It could be that what I want and need is not out there.

It has been a lifetime of trying; to know myself, my needs and my wants, and of trying to meet someone somewhere who will meet me where we share most (if not all) of these things.

And all I’ve learned for sure is that I haven’t met the right person yet.